I’m struggling with gratitude this week, so I’m sorry if you’re here to read all things positive. It’s been a rough week.
I’m so tired of trying understand the people and culture here. It’s exhausting. Whenever I meet someone new, there’s a high chance that that person is a douche. I seem to always be encountering ‘those people.’ The ones trying to act like they are better than everyone. Trying to prove to the world that they are the shit and belittle the people around them. Chances are they are having to mention to everyone how special they are, because nobody else is telling them they are. I get that it’s probably deeply rooted in insecurities. We all have them and insecurities mask themselves differently for everyone. I don’t get why as a human being, you can’t just treat people with respect.
Maybe I just have a low threshold, but I am growing a deeper and deeper resentment of the people in this city. Trust me I have been battling this for quite some time, and it’s been a losing battle. I have made some minor improvements. I’ve gone from.. I hate LA to LA is aiite. (Sorry if I’m generalizing. I get that different parts of LA might not be the same way. I have yet to know. I’m speaking from the experiences I have, where I live, and the pockets of people I meet.)
Lately, I’ve been retreating farther into a shell. I’ve put up all my walls. I will occasionally hang out with a handful of people. There are still good people. I know it. But for the most part, I’ve become a hermit hiding from the world. In this sheltered world, I can even fool myself to believe anything about the world and the people in it.
Despite all this, I know there is still much to be grateful for. Life is so temporary, and with each passing year… month.. day.. I want to make sure I appreciate what I have now. I wish I could say that I’m learning to appreciate the challenges of being exposed to different types of people. I know the saying.. I can’t change people.. I can only change myself.
But does EVERYTHING seriously have to be a character building exercise?
I’ll leave you with this quote that has been convicting lately:
“Community can be a terrible place because it is a place of relationship; it is the revelation of our wounded emotions and of how painful it can be to live with others, especially with ‘some people.’ It is so much easier to live with books and objects, television, or dogs and cats! It is so much easier to live alone and just do things for others, when one feels like it…. While we are alone, we could believe we loved everyone.” – Jean Vanier’s Community and Growth
So even though I don’t necessarily feel grateful now, I will say on behalf of future me… I am thankful for the struggles I have today.
This is part of the GRAD-itude link-up, a community of people practicing gratitude. Every week, I also post up my favorite gratitude quote of the week. This one is by Mary Oliver found via from casinos to castles:
How has your week been? Please tell me some positive thoughts that I can dwell on!